The LuLac Edition #361, Dec. 3rd, 2007

PHOTO INDEX: THE LATE COUNTY CONTROLLER JOSEPH S. TIRPAK AND THE LUZERNE COUNTY COURTHOUSE.

Where have you gone, Joe Tirpak,

Our county turns it's lonely eyes to you.

What's that you say, Mr Democrat.

Jotting Joe has left and gone away, Hey hey hey.

WHAT WOULD JOE DO?

The other night, I decided to summon the spirit of the late Controller Joseph Tirpak to ask him his thoughts on the recent debit card debacle in the county. I lit a few candles, said a few utterances and presto, Mr. Tirpak appeared at my seance. Here's how it went.

TIRPAK: Pribula, what the heck do want, I thought they ran you out of town years ago after that stupid novel you wrote!!

ME: No, I'm Yonki, my uncle was a Pribula, I'm the nephew, you always got my name wrong.

TIRPAK: Oh yessssss! I remember you. I'm getting reports that you're writing this internet newspaper column. Hey, where'd you get that picture? That looks like me from the '75 Controller's Race. I had a better picture when I ran for Sheriff in '67 but what the heck.

ME: You still get reports? That was your favorite line, "I'm getting reports on you".

TIRPAK: Oh yesss. I even used that after that bum Nixon's wiretapping. It kept the party people on their toes. I even get reports all the way here.

ME: Where's here?

TIRPAK: You know, here, the afterlife.

ME: How's it going up there?

TIRPAK: Pretty good. It was rocky at the start. They put me in a room smack dab in the middle of Crossin and Wideman. Chink kept on bouncing that damn basketball so much 24/7 and Eddie kept on whining that he wanted to see the books that it got pretty uncomfortable. So now I'm next to that Harpo Marx guy. Doesn't say too much but chases after the women.

ME: Are your wives here?

TIRPAK: Yep, all of them. They got here before me and I'm convinced that's why I got a free pass in.

ME: Does Harpo leave them alone?

TIRPAK: Oh yessss! He better or I'll shove that car horn you know where. I created a divisionary tactic anyway to protect my family from him. I introduced him to Philadelphia Judge Lisa Richette. She arrived recently and the first thing she said when she saw me was "Joe, when you were chairman I carried your county everytime". And she did.

ME: You sound pretty happy, you think I'll ever get to the level you're at?

TIRPAK: Get serious. I mean it's you we're talking about. All the Masses in the world couldn't get you in here. Anyway, what do you want, I have to get back soon. Sinatra and Dean Martin are doing their Christmas show tonight.

ME: Those guys are there?

TIRPAK: Oh yesss!

ME: Okay Joe, as a past Controller, I want you to take a look at the expense reports under the dome from those debit card holders. You know what a debit card is, right?

TIRPAK: Hey, I worked for IDS. I ran the county budget with Tommy Dugan for years, nothing got by us. I might be gone a while but I know what a debit card is. Jeez, no wonder why you're not getting here, I'm gonna tell your Uncle Timmy what knuckle buster you are!

ME: Okay. Point taken. Look at the expense reports on line and tell me what you think.

TIRPAK: What do you want to know?

ME: Jeez, I just gave them to you. That was fast.

TIRPAK: We're on a different level here. Are you this stupid or do you have to take lessons?

ME: The lessons help.

TIRPAK: Hrumph. All right, I'm looking at these expenses and here's what I see. Most of them are out of town. When you go out of town, you have to stay in a hotel or get there by air. As long as the trips were approved, and if there was no per diem limit (meaning that if you go over the daily limit you pay the difference) then most of these look legit. If they want to revamp the travel policy, they should do it now but don't bust the stones of the people who were using the system already in place.

ME: How do you think Mary Anne Petrilla is handling this?

TIRPAK: Pretty well. I mean she has a tough deal because all of a sudden she has to be the bad guy.

ME: Were you ever the bad guy?

TIRPAK: Oh no, that's what I had Dugan for! But he was so nice no one knew he was being a bad guy.

ME: So, what's your take?

TIRPAK: Okay, in ABC order, Brace, you used to play in his softball leagues right?

ME: Yes.

TIRPAK: I got some very bad reports on how well your team played softball.

ME: Can we move on?

TIRPAK: Sure. Brace. All I see are plane tickets and expenses for out of town. I would want to know why he spent $131.86 at The Top of the 80s and who he spent that money on. And that Easy Pass violation, he should pay that on his own if he made the mistake. By the way, you still remember the time you drove Tommy Lehman's station wagon up to that Susquehanna County Democrats dinner with me in '78?

ME: Sure. It was an honor.

TIRPAK: Yeah, you made so many traffic violations I might have gotten here sooner.

ME: Okay, go on with your audit.

TIRPAK: Skrepenak and Vonderheid's look clean as a whistle. Nothing unusual there. Guesto too although I'd want to know about that Perugino's charge. On the west side, Perugino's. You know the one on Parrish Street, they turned into a Mexican restaraunt.

ME: Yes I know.

TIRPAK: I know you know that I know, I get reports on this stuff all the time.

ME: Can we please go on?

TIRPAK: This Richards guy, he spent $44.84 at Big Ugly's. Skrep's father owns that bar. It doesn't look good, he should give it back. And the Bureau of Elections tab looks okay but what's this Starbucks charge for $2.07? They bought that in Wilkes Barre Township. C'mon, you can't reach into your own pocket for some local coffee? That Hyder boy sure loves those seafood buffets in Vegas but he was out of town. He already paid the money back for the hoochie bar, so I'd be curious to see who the flowers from McCarthy were for? If it was a bereavement, fine, but for some hoochie, he should give the money back. And on the other stuff, conferences away, the jury is still out on that stuff.

ME: Jury?

TIRPAK: I've recieved no reports on that. Just a term.

ME: Okay then, so what's the bottom line here?

TIRPAK: The bottom line is that someone should have been more vigilant in this thing. But if you look at the expenses, they are not excessive. I think Petrilla is on the right track in getting this thing fixed. And it'll all blow over because the people in Luzerne County love us Democrats.

ME: They loved you.

TIRPAK: Oh yessssss! And I was always grateful for their support. Well, gotta go.

ME: Thanks for your time and knowledge Joe. I really appreciate your great insight and...............

TIRPAK: Hey, quit the bull. I'm getting reports on you all the time and I'm watching!

ME: Joe, with all due respect, it ain't me you should be watching. Joe, Joe, hey, where'd ya go?