The LuLac Edition #1024, Nov. 30th, 2009

WOULD YOU LEAVE THIS WOMAN AT 2:25AM????

PHOTO INDEX: MRS. TIGER WOODS AND LABOR AND INDUSTRY LOGO.

TIGER BY THE TAIL

Okay, when I heard the Tiger Woods story the first thing I thought of was the old saying “that nothing good happens after 2AM”. The fact that Woods left his house at 2:25AM prompted a few theories from my mind. Here they are:
THE GIRLFRIEND CALLED: When one is stepping out on the wife, in order for the step action to work an understanding must be established with the girlfriend. She either gets the holiday with you or she doesn’t. No middle ground, no dual visits, no bi polar family sharing responsibilities. Get the agreement up front with the girl friend for no drama or get the excuse you’re going to use with the wife outlined and then stick to it. I’m thinking the girlfriend called in the middle of the night singing the blues about being alone on the holiday and Tiger stepped out for a quart of milk. But as Kevin Lynn said on the radio today, “people like Tiger pay people to do that for him”. So I’m thinking he was distracted then wrecked the car navigating said car, street and phone.
THE WIFE FOUND OUT: Tiger and his wife (a saucy blonde) might have had a drag down fight most likely precipitated by statements made by him like, “It’s me, not you”, “I’m tired of my life”, “I fell out of love with you”, or “She completes me”. I’m thinking that if he was stupid enough to say this she took after him with a golf club chasing him out the house. Bum knee or not, Tiger made it to the car and the wife took out the back window. Terrified he crashed himself into the woods. (No pun intended).
THE WIFE GREETED HIM: Tiger might have spent part of Turkey day with the honey. The wife might have been waiting up for him and beat the crap out of him with said putter or 9 iron. Tiger then was planted (where’s Marc Furman when you need him?) in the vehicle and Mrs. Woods expressed disbelief at his sad state.
Those are my theories. Bottom line is this: holidays are a dangerous time for a wife and girlfriend. One must be adept if they are to survive the combined minefield of love, lust and dual relationship maintenance.

CONTACT THE GUV

For those of you trying to access your unemployment benefits, there has been a 48 meltdown of the systems used by the Department of Labor and Industry. The computer system has not worked since the Thanksgiving holiday and the toll free number used (The PAT system number 1 888 255-4728 is constantly busy or when you do reach the automated system, immediately dumps your call or disconnects you. When I spoke to a representative in the Department of Labor Industry press office yesterday, I asked them about back up systems in the Aspect phone lines and/or the computer access system. They thanked me for my input but never answered the question. Anyway, here’s the message you get on the website:
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please try again later or call Pennsylvania Teleclaims--PAT at 1-888-255-4728 to file your claim.
And of course that number doesn’t work. And there is no way to access your claim since there are no employment offices that do that anymore. My suggestion if you have a complaint is to tell the Governor and see if this might change. In no way should this reflect on the people working in the call centers because the tools they use to do their jobs are not working. Ask the Governor what can be done to prevent this 48 hour outage again.
http://sites.state.pa.us/PA_Exec/Governor/govmail.html

CHARLIE WEISS

Not a big Notre Dame fan but you have to feel for the Irish and the big guy Charlie Weiss. Weiss was supposed to be an offensive genius but the defense this year let him down. Let’s hope he reemerges somewhere else with more success and Notre Dame returns to its former glory.